Kids say the darndest things

1 . A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty.
Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your
chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a
drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you
bring a drink of water?"

2 . An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to
get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in
and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!'"

3 . One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to
turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's
room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

4 . It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the children's sermon. All the children
were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's
a bitch to iron."

5 . When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just
getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but
what's growing in your butt?"

6 . A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is
seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my
math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher
taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the
next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The
teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching
them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is
four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she
answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE
SUM OF WHICH, is four."

7 . One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the
part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn
the farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went
up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the
sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised
her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for
the next 10 minutes.

8 . A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father she stands next to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to
get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and
I'm going to get boobs too."